


like the rain to the sea

by creativityatbest, orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 20:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5757913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativityatbest/pseuds/creativityatbest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Circa 2012; Dan and Phil try to put aside everything to have Christmas at Phil’s house, but that doesn’t necessarily go to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	like the rain to the sea

**Author's Note:**

> Drew and I wrote 4k words in about 3 hours over the span of 2 days, and it was really fucking cool. Here's the product.

Dan was angry – his jaw was locked in a way that warped what would be his smooth cheeks, his eyebrows knit awkwardly and created deep lines in between his eyes, and his arms were crossed tight as they could go. Every sound that blew out of his nose somehow sounded annoyed. His foot tapped incisively on the floor and his eyes flickered to Phil every so often; never faltering in a hate filled gaze that made Phil’s insides shrivel like a dying rose. They’d been sitting on the train for twenty minutes. Phil spared a glance at his watch: forty more to go.

Forty minutes with Dan shouldn’t feel this terrible. Years ago, Dan would’ve begged for forty minutes to spend with Phil. And now, well – not so much. Phil didn’t necessarily blame him, his parents were by no means the best and Phil had even said some nasty things at times. Getting kicked out of your own family’s house on Christmas surely wasn’t the best feeling; Phil couldn’t begin to imagine it. That’s why he offered Dan to stay with him.

Of course Dan had agreed, what else could he have done? All his friends were at home for the holidays and he only knew Phil’s family. He didn’t hate them, hell, how could he? From letting him stay alone with Phil for a weekend in their home to Mrs. Lester always trying to push the two together, they couldn’t be more different than his own family. At the thought of Dan’s family, a spike went through his heart. He shook his head and creased his eyebrows once again, hoping Phil hadn’t noticed his moment of sadness.

Phil had. He decided against saying anything about it, however, because he didn’t want to take his chances at making anything worse. Phil felt that maybe this was the first step back into their old life – the one with smiles and kisses and making breakfast together even if it was past noon. He knew that his mum would try her best to make Dan feel better, and though Phil had already spent months trying, maybe his mum could pull some of her motherly superpowers on Dan. Phil didn’t want to interfere.

The train hit a nasty bump and a hiss like sound escaped Dan’s lips. He blanched as all eyes turned to him; he adverted his eyes and focused on the outside world moving past him. Ever since his parents’ 30 second voicemail telling him Christmas at the Howells’ was no longer an option for him, all Christmas spirit had went up in smoke. In the beginning, Phil had tried, bless his heart, to make Dan feel better but his attempts just got on Dan’s nerves. Something of which terrified him – he never wanted to dislike Phil for being his nerdy self, ever.

But he couldn’t help it, really. He was thrown into an existential abyss and Phil’s attempts at happiness only dragged him further down. What was happiness besides a fleeting emotion – never permanent and always replaced by sadness? Dan decided that he’d rather stay constant than endure all the ever-changing emotions everyone else felt. And that wasn’t necessarily hard, not after he locked Phil out. Sure, Phil tried to get back into Dan’s life, but to avoid the risk of losing Phil again (as the first time had been the worst of his life), Dan kept his distance the best he could.

After all, it was keeping his _friend_ ship with Phil alive. Wasn’t it?

Maybe not.

* * *

 

“Dan!” Mrs. Lester was entirely surprised when Phil appeared at the door with Dan by his side. She hadn’t seen them together for what felt like a million years – well, that might have been a slight exaggeration, but _still_. It’d been far too long. “How’re you doing?”

Dan didn’t like to be rude to Phil’s mother, so he shrugged and replied, “I’m fine.”

Phil gave Dan a quick, unappreciative glance, unhappy at the way Dan seemed to throw his emotions away whenever he could. Instead of answering, Phil smiled at his mother, moving forward to swoop her into a bear hug.

Mrs. Lester softly chuckled after letting out an ‘oof’ noise as Phil picked her up off the ground. Dan watched, trying not to let his envy show on his face.

“It’s great to see you, Mum.” Phil beamed, closing the door behind him as he ushered Dan into the house.

“You, as well. And of course, Dan.”

Dan forced a smile, and Phil shot him a warning look in response. Phil, in that moment, didn’t care what kind of shit day Dan had been having. If he dared make Phil’s mum unhappy, he’d be out of the Lester home for Christmas, as well.

“Thank you, Mrs., for everything,” Dan said and tried to ignore the way all eyes were on him: Phil’s a warning and Mrs. Lester’s kind, if not suspicious of something.

Phil let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relaxing next to Dan. Mrs. Lester led them through the house, talking to Phil about mundane discussions he’d missed out during the year.

After passing rooms filled with Christmas knick knacks and trees, Mrs. Lester arrived at a small sitting room in the back of the house, one wall lined with windows to show the English countryside that surrounded the home. In one of the armchairs was Phil’s father, reading a book. He smiled and softly groaned as he pulled himself to his feet. “Boys!”

Phil didn’t hug his father with as much vigor as he had his mother; it was not as easy to lift the man off his feet. Nonetheless, Phil threw his arms over his father’s shoulders and pulled him in. “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

“You’re always so busy,” Mrs. Lester chimed in, her voice proud. Behind the pride, however, was a twinge of sadness.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, stepping away from his father, a close-lipped smile spread across his cheeks.

Dan stood quietly at the threshold of the room, feeling odd and out of place. He asked himself why he’d even agreed to go; he could’ve just sat at home and had the most pathetic Christmas ever, but that still might’ve been better than crashing Phil’s family’s Christmas.

The feelings came rushing back to Dan and he took a deep breath. He hated himself for getting so emotion over this; it’s not like it even mattered anymore. He faked a smile and forced himself to walk completely into the room.

Phil’s father grinned, looking over Phil’s shoulder to see Dan staring at the floorboards.

“Daniel, is that you? I haven’t seen you in so long.” Mr. Lester walked forward, running a hand through his salt and pepper hair before holding it out towards Dan.

Dan took his hand gently, shaking but not making eye contact, afraid they would see the tears building in his eyes. He blinked them away as Mr. Lester pulled away, still smiling.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“I’ve been… well. Yeah, I’ve been well.” He had settled on a lie.

Phil pursed his lips, praying his parents wouldn’t see through Dan’s lie. As Mr. Lester clapped Dan on the back and smiled, his prayers were answered. If his parents thought Dan was doing okay, that would lead to a much less stressful Christmas.

Sure, Phil had _brought_ Dan because he wasn’t doing well, but it wasn’t necessarily a weight he wanted to throw upon his parents’ shoulders. Maybe their presence in itself could lift Dan’s spirits.

Together, they showed Phil to the guest room and Phil flinched as a thought came back to him. When Phil left the house for Uni, both Lesters came to the decision that they didn’t need nearly as much room – so they decided to downgrade to a smaller house: one living room, one bathroom, one kitchen, a sitting room, and two bedrooms.

Phil gulped, each step felt like a death sentence. Head angled at the ground, he grabbed Dan’s arm to bring him back and tell him. Dan just shook him off and kept forward.

The group was silent as they walked into the bedroom, a single double bed sat dormant – but to Phil it may as well have been throwing off an alarm. He spared a single glance at Dan and was shocked when Dan’s jaw was locked tight and his eyes were filling with tears.

“Mum? Could you just… leave us alone for a couple minutes?” Phil spoke up; he knew he’d have to face this eventually. Plus, he wanted to spare Dan the embarrassment of Phil’s parents seeing him crying.

Dan hid behind the sleeves of his jumper until Phil’s parents left the room, the door clicking as it shut. The atmosphere of the room remained hushed, but Dan broke it with a choked sob.

“I’m sorry,” Dan started. “I’m sorry; I thought I could handle this. I thought–”

“Shh,” Phil interrupted. “It’s alright. You’re okay.”

“I’m not _okay_ , Phil! Can’t you see that?” Dan’s voice raised, and suddenly Phil wondered if his parents might still have been perched outside the door.

Phil took a deep breath and sat himself on the bed, letting Dan pace the floor while ranting in a shrill tone.

“Everyday it hurts! People always whine and say ‘the holidays are the worst’ but they don’t get it! I used to call my parents every single week to check up on them, and I still find myself doing it! Sometimes I’ll catch myself calling mum for advice and she’ll answer only to tell me to drop her number! ‘Just drop it,’ she says! It was so easy for her and, for me, it’s not! She hates me, Phil! Because- because-” Dan didn’t say anymore, instead he fell on his butt and held his knees tight to his chest.

Phil’s heart ached for the boy, memories of being in this exact situation before in 2010 rotting into his brain. It was easier then, back when Phil could just pull Dan’s head to his chest and kiss his forehead. Now he couldn’t do that; all he could do was sit back and watch, knowing a simple touch could make things worse. He felt tears forming in his own eyes and his throat swelled to the point of pain.

“I know you want to help, Phil,” Dan’s voice lowered, “I _know_ you want to help. You can’t! That’s the thing. You can’t. I’m fucked and I don’t know how to tell you in any other way that you can’t help me.”

Phil swallowed thickly, glaring down at his hands. He couldn’t look at Dan or he’d start crying, too.

“You think I can be fixed,” Dan continued, “You think that maybe you can find a magical button and press it and I’ll be who I used to be. That button doesn’t fucking exist, Phil. I will never be who I was because the person who I was had a _family_ and a home and…” he trailed off, burying his face in his knees. “Whoever I was, they’re not coming back.”

Phil clenched a fist, “You could at least _try_.”

Dan laughed. “You really are dense, aren’t you? You really don’t get it.” He stood from his place on the floor, wiped the tears off his face, and smiled at Phil – that kind of smile that’s sad behind the eyes.

Momentarily forgetting the redness of his cheeks, Dan opened the bedroom door to be greeted by the two concerned faces of Mrs. and Mr. Lester.

“Are you two okay?”

Dan smiled and shook his head, “No.”

The smile fell from his face as Mrs. Lester wrapped Dan into a hug, and he began to sob again. He didn’t want to get any tears on Mrs. Lester’s fuzzy Christmas jumper, but that seemed not his choice.

Mrs. Lester didn’t say anything and she didn’t have too. All of Dan’s emotions were laid out, spilled for all to see as he full on sobbed. Everything hit him full force; he couldn’t breathe, his hands shook, the whole world was smashing down on him like he was some sort of small, useless bug. And maybe he was – maybe he should’ve just given into it all.

“I’m going to take him downstairs for some cocoa. Phil, talk to your father.” Mrs. Lester instructed, her motherly instincts appearing out of thin air. She rubbed Dan’s back between his shoulder blades, kissing the side of his head.

Phil made a horrible, gut wrenched sound. Low and defeated, a single tear made its way down his face as the door shut, sealing him in with his father.

His father sat next to him on the bed, wrapping one arm around his shoulder and pulling him in so that his head tucked neatly into his father’s chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, prompting Phil to shake his head no.

The pair sat quietly for a few minutes, until Phil pulled away from his father and sniffled a little.

“Dan’s just gotten so… distant and I don’t know what to do!” Phil took a deep breath to keep from crying again.

His father takes a deep breath, his heart breaking for his son. Memories of the past run through his head: meeting Dan for the first time when he was only 18, the way the young boy blushed and hid behind Phil as they were introduced.

He met Dan in the most horrifying circumstances – Mr. Lester had carried all of the family’s bags into the house and was dropping them off as his wife got the rest of their things from the car. He had been innocently passing Phil’s room when he heard what sounded like a teeny moan. Instantly knowing what it was, he turned dark red, rushing into his room and shutting the door.

He never told Dan about this occurrence, but it stayed in his head. They had been so happy before, so love sick for each other and now, _now_ they were nothing. Each day it was more and more grueling, more obvious, like watching a fire take over a small home, one room at a time until there was nothing.

Phil cried a little harder, his shoulders shaking at the intensity. “I don’t want him to hate himself. He can hate his family, hell, he can hate _me_. Just not himself, never himself.” Phil paused, taking a breath before he continued. “Dad? I just love him so much. I told myself over and over to stop because he obviously doesn’t love me back anymore, but I can’t stop loving him. Even if he’s destructive to me, even if he’s destructive to himself – I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know that I want to.”

His father rubbed Phil’s back, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, a soft rapping was heard on the already opened door. In his ranting, Phil hadn’t heard the door open, but he definitely noticed as Dan entered the room.

Dan’s line of sight flickered violently between Phil and Phil’s father, both sat on the edge of the bed, staring back at him. “I–” Dan cut himself off, not sure how to continue. It was obvious he’d heard all Phil had just confessed.

“I don’t hate you, Phil.” The words felt as if they barely left his lips. “I could never.”

Phil’s father thought he should probably leave the room, but at the same time he didn’t want the boys to get into another fight. Despite this, he stood, leaving after a firm squeeze of Phil’s shoulder; signifying ‘good luck’. He tried to smile at Dan as he walked past and out of the door.

Phil didn’t want to be alone; the moment his father left he felt exposed, like Dan was drinking in all his fears, insecurities, and secrets in a single glance. He swallowed dryly before patting the area of bed beside him. “Sit down, please.”

Dan took his seat shakily, inhaling deeply as fear coursed through him. He couldn’t meet Phil’s eyes, instead staring at his hands and biting his nails, an old habit only brought to life when Dan felt most anxious.

“Did you hear all of that?” Phil asked, kind of scared to know the answer.

“Enough of it,” Dan responded.

“…And?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s all you have to say?” Phil wasn’t necessarily angry, but he needed more of a response than that.

Dan didn’t reply. He continued to stare at his hands, as if they held the meaning of the universe.

“Fuck, how am I supposed to know?” Dan snapped eventually, voice quaking in a mix of fear and anger. “I just, fuck, I want to know. I want to wake up and understand and have everything be a-okay but that’s not how it works, dammit!”

Phil stared at Dan, watching as Dan attempted to stand but fell on his back in the bed instead, covering his eyes and breathing heavy.

Silence filled the room for what felt like an hour before Phil said something. “Dan, I know it hurts. I know that even the thought of your family kills you. But, but I can tell you something – you can kick and scream and cry all you want but that won’t make me up and leave you. I love you Dan, I really, really do. You make my chest feel warm and fuzzy and I want to kiss you a lot even when you scream that you hate me and your entire life. I love, I will never leave and that’s a fucking promise.”

“But why won’t you leave? You’d be so much better off without my whiny ass weighing you down.”

“Were you even listening to me? I said that I _love_ you.”

“Haven’t you figured it out by now?” Dan whispered, voice cold as steel. “Love doesn’t last.”

“There is nothing for me without you!” Phil roared and jumped to his feet. Dan sat up and stared at him with dead eyes as Phil tugged at a strand of his hair. “Do you really think I would be better off? Ever? You’re all I care about! You’re my best friend and I love you and all the gooey lovey shit everyone rattles on about. Without you there won’t be a ‘Dan and Phil’. It’ll just be one sad, monotone Phil, like statue nobody is attached to. Do you think I could do a radio show without you? We bounce off each other, we depend on each other. We always have. We always will. It’s Dan and Phil, as partners, always.”

Once his rant was over, Phil was shocked at his words. His jaw dropped open and he stared into the brown of Dan’s eyes. Light caramel swirls, like always. Perfect, like always.

“I– I–”  
  
“You don’t know.” Phil figured he completed Dan’s thought.

“No,” Dan interjected, “I love you, too. I’m really sorry I’ve been such an absolute twat-bag and I don’t know how to fix it or fix myself.”

“You don’t need to fix anything by yourself. You never have had to.” Neither of them broke eye contact as Phil spoke. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

There was no beginning nor was there an end, as in life. Dan could not tell you when he started crying, Phil could not tell you when he began to hold Dan again after so many months of nothing. It felt like coming home and creating home and another soul becoming home all at once. Phil’s heart hammered in his chest and Dan soaked his shoulder in tears, arms tight around Phil’s neck and waist.

No words were said because they weren’t needed; everything was obvious, the room buzzed with emotion and when Phil kissed Dan’s temple the aura became beyond calming. Phil was so tired from all the yelling and fighting and the monstrous weight on his shoulders that came from Dan hating him finally being lifted that he felt himself drifting off.

Dan’s tears had stopped falling, eventually, and Phil took it upon himself to pull a blanket over himself and Dan. Dan’s head was carefully nudged into the space between Phil’s shoulder and neck, his breath tickling the hair by Phil’s ear.

It was okay. They were finally _okay_.

* * *

 

Out of all the people Dan expected to wake him Christmas Day, Mr. Lester had to have been at the very bottom of the list. Yet when he awoke to someone shaking the guest bed, he was met with the bright eyes of Mr. Lester himself.

“Wake up, Dan! It’s Christmas!” He announced joyously before racing out the door to another room.

Dan laughed to himself and felt Phil’s chest move against his own. He glanced up, seeing Phil wide awake with his arm secure around Dan’s waist and legs cradling his hips; Phil looked down with the same excited blue eyes as his father. “Merry Christmas, Danny.”

“Pet names?” Dan asked, “Already?”

“You betcha, _Bear_.” The name rolled off Phil’s tongue with such an ease it was as if it hadn’t been lying idle for years.

Dan snuggled his face back into Phil’s arm in embarrassment, but not for long. Soon, Mrs. Lester appeared at the door and urged the boys to come out for presents.

Phil’s parents were obviously extra cheery regarding the fact Dan and Phil had made amends.

They hurriedly sat on the armchairs so Dan and Phil could snuggle on the couch; Phil’s older brother, Martyn and his wife grabbed the Christmas presents from under the tree. They handed them out to each person until everyone had three except Dan, who only had one tiny present in his hands. He stared down at it and tried not to cry. This shouldn’t have made him so upset; his arrival had been short notice and he wasn’t a Lester, so what was the point of giving him three presents like everyone else?

Regardless, he bit his lip and leaned against Phil, breathing in the scent of the body wash the older man had slapped on in the shower as a nearly useless attempt to stay calm.

“Youngest to oldest for opening presents?” Mrs. Lester asked in her pink fuzzy robe, holding a cup of coffee.

The Lesters sleepily mumbled and agreement. Dan giggled as he noticed none of them were morning people.

Cornelia, Martyn’s wife, was first. She opened a large package from Phil, laughing lightly as she revealed a faced piggy bank that ate coins. As Phil laughed, he placed his arm over Dan’s shoulders, tracing circles into the muscle and feeling Dan start to tense.

“What else did I expect from you two?” Cornelia asked, exasperated as she placed the box to her left.

“Who’s next, then?”

“Dan,” Phil almost chirped. All eyes turned to Dan and he held his breath, reminding himself to breathe as he shows the tiny present in hand. ‘Quit being such a baby, they’re not your family,’ he scolded himself.

“Is that all you have?” Mr. Lester suddenly asked in shock, looking over to the tree.

“Oh, no. That won’t do. Didn’t we get some yesterday while they were talking in the guest room?” Mrs. Lester recalled, Martyn beginning to loom around the tree again.

“It’s not a big deal.” Dan forced a smile, glancing again at his small present. He didn’t like the fuss.

“No, I swear there’s another two for you, Dan,” Mr. Lester assured, joining Martyn in his hunt around the tree.

“Oh!” Mrs. Lester proclaimed, “You know what? I left them in the kitchen after I wrapped them!” She scurried off to go grab the gifts, and Dan’s face became coated in a light shade of pink.

Three gifts, like the rest of the family.

Mrs. Lester sat the gifts in Dan’s lap, smiling at him softly as she took her place in the armchair. Dan stared at the gifts, too shocked to even mutter a ‘thanks’.

A card was taped to the side of one box covered in dancing reindeer on a red backdrop. Dan took it gently and opened it.

Inside were small blocks of text written by each of the five Lesters. Dan concealed a gasp as he read each one mentally.

_Dan – you’re pretty cool (not) but you make Phil smile so I guess it’s okay (just don’t go giving him up, letting him down, running around and deserting him) – Martyn_

_It’s so good to have you back in the house, Dan. Hopefully your Christmas is as merry as ever. You’re always welcome here. – Mummy & Daddy Lester xx_

_I know we haven’t known each other for a while but you are one of the most gentle people I know and I hope to get to know you better – Cornelia (oh, that sounded like a bad yearbook signing didn’t it? I’m sorry, um, memes)_

_You probably hate how cheesy this is but I don’t even care. Dan, you’ve been a part of my life – a part of me for years, now. I love you loads and I always will. We can get back on track from here, I know it. – Phil x_

Phil must’ve written his note while Dan was in the bathroom, that sneaky snake. Dan suddenly felt very sorry that he hadn’t brought anything for any of the Lesters.

“You brought yourself,” Mrs. Lester replied when Dan voiced the thought, which caused Phil to squeeze Dan’s shoulder.

And yeah, maybe Dan did think it was a little cheesy, but that didn’t matter. He was done saying he didn’t have a loving family when this one sat around him with glowing smiles on their faces, welcoming him with open arms.


End file.
